I am going to say, yes and no. I am going to say you might get a thank you here or there, but don’t expect it.

Most kids are not processing the fact that you are choosing to do what you are doing and don’t have to do it. They are possibly not going to realize this until they are much older or possibly when they have their own children.

Do you remember thanking your parents when you were growing up? I don’t as often as I should have. Now, I thank them all the time. Especially, now that I am a stepmom, and realize just how much they did for me and my siblings.

As a child you are expecting your “parents” to take care of you and do for you what a parent should be doing. Regardless of whether it is a stepparent or biological parent. You may never really get the appreciation that you deserve.

I am here to say it must come from the heart. I hope that your friends, significant other/hubby and family can share in this journey with you and give you some encouragement along the way. Those are where your “thank you’s” and your appreciation should come from.

This is a touchy subject for some stepmoms. Some feel they have the “right” to discipline, while some think that this responsibility should rest solely on the biological parents.

In my humble opinion, I feel that it should be discussed between you and your significant other/husband and come up with a plan. I also, feel that it truly depends on the amount of time that the step kids spend with you and their dad. If you are a custodial stepmom, this is going to be a completely different situation than having step kids every other weekend.

I do believe that it takes time to nurture a relationship with your stepchild(ren) and build trust, before being able to co-discipline them. If you do this too soon, it could backfire for you and create even more challenges for you in your journey.

This is something you take slow. If you are a custodial stepmom, you are going to need to have some authority and some backing from their dad to be able to put some consequences in place.

Remember, as always, to pick your battles. Carefully decide when a battle is worth fighting. I like to ask myself the question, “Will this matter in a week? A month? A year?” If it does, then it is worth the battle. If not, let it go!

You can’t do a thing! Let me say that again for those in the back row! You can’t do a thing.

Well you can, but you can only change yourself; not her or her mind. Focus on you, your family and your stepchildren. Remember why you are doing it.

I will recommend you put on your big girl panties and try to be kind when in public. I will recommend that you do what you do because it is the “right” thing to do, and it is the best for the kids. If you are doing those things, then you can’t go wrong.

I would strongly recommend you do not talk about her negatively to your stepchildren.

Here are some things she may be feeling that are influencing her attitude or actions:

• She sees that you have the life that was meant for her
• You are a constant reminder that she failed in some way/marriage
• You possibly spend more time with her kids than she does
• She sees that changes in her ex-husband for the better
• She is afraid that the kids will like your more
• She thinks you want to replace her
• She is jealous
• Possibly, you did something to her?

These are just reasons that some ex/moms have admitted through research conducted over the years. Whatever the reason, it has nothing to do with your personally. It is what you represent. The only thing that will change this dynamic of having a cordial relationship would be having her eyes opened or her heart softened to realize that you aren’t a bad person and you are doing what is best for her kids.

I know this is a challenge for some stepmoms. It is hard when you must admit that you don’t like your step kids, or that they are annoying, or possibly you like one of your step kids but not the other one. That happens more times than I can count.

It doesn’t make you a bad stepmom, because that is just sometimes how it goes. The KEY is how are you still a stepmom to that child?

The first thing is that you need to be honest with yourself.  Is it because they remind you too much of the ex? Is it because they are getting in trouble all the time and they are rude? Is it because dad doesn’t parent the kids, and that kid is “out of control”?

After you figure out the WHY. You have to figure out: WHAT NOW? Do you completely step back from this child and not do anything for them, and let dad parent them? Some chose this option.

Some choose to get professional counseling for themselves so that they can figure out how the best way to approach “parenting” or being a role model for this child.

You should also ask yourself if it’s possible the kid is going through something or needs something that he is missing in his or her life? Could it be that they need counseling or other help too? Consider whether there is something you can facilitate by talking to your significant other/hubby to get this kid the help they need.

Another way of looking at a child that is being mean, rude, disrespectful or inappropriate is to consider whether they are acting out because they are hurting, lonely, sad or frustrated about their situation. Are they upset at one of their parents or both, and taking it out on you? Is there a way to get through to this child by reading books, talking to a counselor and taking STEPS to see that child in a different way?

Whatever you decide, you can choose to step up or step back, but you need to do what works for your family and you.

ABSOLUTELY! It truly is the small things in your journey that will matter the most and bring you joy.

It could be when your stepchild reaches for your hand.  Maybe you will receive a card one day that is special to you. A text just thanking you for your help.

Don’t fear, if you have not received any of these joys yet, there is always time to experience these.  You can also create joy by planning a day to the park, or getting ice cream to make memories with your step kids, significant other or hubby.

I truly believe that you must try to bond with your stepchildren. Some children are easier to bond with than others.

I think the key is to find out what your stepchildren like or what hobbies they are into. Is there something that you can help them with from time to time, such as their homework? Or possibly you can find a hobby to like together.

Try to spend some one-on-one time with them. I bonded a lot with my step kids over the years in the car. It was picking them up from a practice or driving them to the orthodontist and just talking about daily things. Listening is a critical part of bonding with your step kids. If they feel they can be heard by you, that is so important to them.  It isn’t always going to be easy.

Try to make special memories with them while they are growing up.

The simple answer is YES! You need to learn not to take anything personally. It is very hard to learn this.

It is only natural. You aren’t a superhuman without feelings.

You have to take a step back and focus on THE WHY. You do this by taking a step back and realizing that your interactions with your step kids are based on their loyalty and how they feel for their parents. Try to understand that you represent what their mom isn’t doing. It could be as simple as you are driving them to their practices on your scheduled time, but that should be something their mom should be doing if their parents were still together.

You will learn that sometimes kids say the same stupid things to their bio-parents as they will to you. PAUSE before you react. Remember, it isn’t about you, but what you represent in your role as a stepmom.

If you are asking this question, then you probably already have some type of expectation of what or how a stepfamily should be. Unfortunately, the more expectations you have, the more disappointed you will be.

Each and every stepfamily is different. Let me say that again, for those in the back. Each and every stepfamily has unique dynamics, backgrounds. which makes how you “blend” different. It is a process and nothing happens overnight. The research shows that it takes 5-7 years to blend into a stepfamily.

So much stress comes from OUR expectations. We have to really learn to take everything one STEP at a time. If you are coming into a family with your kids, his kids and combining these kids and you and your significant other/husband, it is going to take time and patience. Look at the reality of the situation and less at the expectations.

What will help is professional counseling, good communication (not only between you and your significant other/husband — but the kids too).  Family meetings are very helpful. Let the kids share what is going on with the dynamics in the home. Set goals and try to implement them one at a time. Make sure you keep it fun. If everyone is involved in the house rules and feel they can communicate, it will help your home run a little more smoothly.

Being a stepmom is the toughest “job” I have ever done.  You are a representation of the broken marriage of their parents. You are a reminder to them that their mom and dad are never getting back together. Acknowledge that you know that their relationship with their biological parent will always be special and you are NOT TAKING THEIR MOM’S PLACE.  Let the biological mom know you would like to try and have a relationship that is good for both you and the child, and that you will follow their lead as to what that looks like.

Being a stepmom gets tougher when you feel under-appreciated, used, unheard and emotionally drained. It is easy to feel used, because you love hard but you are not recognized as a mom. There often is no “thank you” for the things you CHOSE to do. The child may never say thank you for being my bonus parent and giving me your all. You have to be okay with knowing you are doing your best to support and love your husband and your stepchild(ren).